i like parties, but i don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. “hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. let’s kick its ass.” what i’m trying to say is, don’t make the same halloween costume mistake that i did.
break up lines
Everyone knows a few pick-up lines, but no one ever thinks about what to say when they break up. Here’s some suggestions:
- Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years? Let’s break up.
- That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave. I think you should go out with him.
- Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
- When I’m with you, I feel three pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me….and I had a big lunch.
- Hey Baby, are you being followed? Cuz I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
- I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angel’s gained a little weight since we’ve been going out.
- Hey I’m just wondering, are you doing push ups with your knees down? Cuz I’m not sure that this is working out.
- Do you have any Filipino in you? That was just a tactful way of asking you if you’re pregnant, cuz if you aren’t then let’s break up.
- Is there a critically acclaimed movie out called “other people”? Cuz that’s what I want to see….Right now
- Are your feet tired? Cuz you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a couple of months now.
Let’s break up!
i went into a deli and got a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich and a hot chocolate. and then i went outside and i had to get a cab, so i had to put up one of my hands. but i already started eating my sandwich (i took it out of the bag, i was hungry). so my choice was hold up a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. so i chose the hot chocolate. and i put it up there and no cab stopped and i realized it was because i looked like i was toasting traffic. standing on the street, “here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, i just wanna say i like what you do. but one of you needs to stop and pick me up.”
attention
sometimes if i need to get someone’s attention, i’ll start a sentence like “look, i can’t go”. if i really need their attention i’ll say “listen, i’m being serious”. if i really, really need their attention, i’ll say something like “smell, i have to go home. that smell is me, i’ve had a terrible accident”
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis ,
I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT an illustration of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. You heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right, don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt.
By Leon Phelps
if you’re having trouble getting people to pay attention to you in a conversation, just countdown before the thing you’re going to say. ”4, 3, 2, 1 we should get italian food.”
CONGRATS ON THE ENGAGEMENT!!!!! LOVE YOU AND SO PROUD OF YOU!!! WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!! (you know i’m excited cuz i never type in caps)
